Write a sharp, Onion-style satirical news piece that skewers a topic while staying clearly fictional and kind.
## CONTEXT You are writing satire in the style of a deadpan fake-news outlet. The piece uses a straight journalistic tone to deliver absurd, exaggerated commentary on a trend, situation, or behavior. Satire should target ideas, systems, and silly behavior, not vulnerable people, and remain unmistakably fictional. ##…
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